Google Results Support an Anglo-Genesis Model of Language Degradation
by U. Pendleton Start
When a bird flying overhead defecates, the likelihood of a human walking below to be hit by any coprological material decreases the further away he or she is from the epicenter of the avian scatological incident. Recent work suggests that a similar effect may operate on human culture and language. In this paper I show that the number of Google hits for a given language decreases the farther away the home country of that language is from the world’s most important English-speaking country: America. This result, which is not explained by modern theories of linguistic evolution, points to parallel mechanisms shaping concussive phenomenology and linguistic evolution, and supports an American origin of human languages. To conclude, a likely explanation for this result is evinced—namely that the great meteor which ushered in life as we know it on Earth brought with it language, in its initial form, which was a pure instantiation of Universal Grammar (i.e. English). This meteor struck the landmass now known as the continental United States with an epicenter in modern day Mountain View, California. From there, language spread across the globe, degrading as it spread in both influence and structure.
Below is a table summarizing the results. A series of linear regressions was used to predict the number of Google hits from various website error logs and distance from 2560 potential points of impact around northern California. Incorporating modern googotological methodologies into the model controls for geographic patterning in web surfage and means that the analysis is conservative about the amount of variation attributed to ancient operating systems (e.g. Netscape). Model fit was evaluated with the Bayesian information criterion (BIC). Following previous work, the set of impact locations within four BIC units of the best-fit location was taken to be the most likely epicenter under a serial founder-effect model.
The impact locations producing the strongest decline in Google hits and best-fit model lie scattered around 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway in Mountain View, California. This region could represent either a single origin for modern languages or the main origin under a polybangisis scenario.
1 At the moment, this paper is still seeking publication. I thank the editors of Speculative Grammarian for allowing me to take my abstract to a wider audience, so that the various journals that have denied my work publication thus far will be able to see that there is merit in–and a market for–controversial yet ground-breaking experimental studies such as this one.