Research Assistants Are Being Paid

Speculative Grammarian has been made aware of international pandemic. Linguistics graduate students are being compensated for the work they do. One Research Assistant at the University of Nebraska’s Linguistics Department was paid this month for her services, not in smiles or thankful nods—but in the form of a check sent to her bank account.

Unsure of why she was receiving this money, she went to the finance department and was supposedly told by the woman at the desk, “Looks like you deserve it.” “I was horrified,” she recalls. When confronted about the supposed payment, Dr. John Selim-Short, Chair of the Linguistics Faculty commented, “We are an institution that believes in people earning their own wages. This respectable institution would never pay people... off.”

All graduate students are urged to busily do the linguistic legwork that is asked of them. “If you are paid, ask for your compensation to be cut off immediately,” says Dr. Selim-Short. “And ask for a smile instead. After all, you don’t have to report smiles to the IRS.”

	Bait Me—X. Kuvador, R. Kialugist, and Pael E. O’Ntolojiss
	L’Ishing du Gwujlang IX—Lusrveer—Dorothea Dorfman and Theodora Mundorf
	SpecGram Vol CLXXVII, No 4 Contents