The dystopian vision of functional linguistics
May appeal to you
But I see it for what it is,
A darkness of probabilistic nihilism
Replacing categories with p values
And structure with similitudes
That yield no abstraction
And no insight.
I cannot live in a place
That regards the mind as nothing more
Than the sum of countable behaviors
And grammar as just so many serendipities,
Where there is no theory
But only observation.
Where is the wonder in that?
—H.D. Onesimus
čǎřřy̌ǐňǧ old M̄āc̄k̄ r̄ōūn̄d to his g̀r̀àv̀è,
the b̆ĕr̆ĕăv̆ĕd̆, co̊v̊e̊r̊i̊n̊g̊ smiles, are brave.
“t̃ĩl̃l̃ t̃h̃ẽ day we d̈ïë,”
ḧëïr̈ës̈s̈ës̈ cry,
“we’ll spend every búćḱ ýóú’d́ saved.”
—Andrew Lamont
O! The syntax and semantics
Of our language is complex!
We struggle with the antics
O’ the syntax and semantics
In our minds. We are frantic
As we puzzle, quite perplexed
By the syntax and semantics
Of our language. So complex!
—Charla González Pérez-Tórrez
Ah, the green grass of that vibrant scene!
But does the lexeme ‘green’ mean?
‘Red hot’; ‘black despair’—
See new meanings appear!
And with envy and jealously, I’m green.
—N V and Gilles Oisais
Row non-rhotic boats,
Gently down the stream.
Sound changes often re-
Sult in homophony.
What’s a butter dream?
—Pete Bleackley
‘My friend has just run up that hill’;
‘My friend has just run up that bill’.
The first up’s prep’sitional;
The second a particle;
Syntax, you make me feel ill!
If you want proof, there’s many a test—
Try fronting some string to the left
‘Up that hill she’s just run’;
Now try th’other one:
*‘Up that bill she’s just run’: asterisk!
Now take a): ‘She ran right up that sturdy hill’
And b) *‘She ran right up that party bill’
The [run up] in b)
’S a constituent; we
Can’t separate V and the particle.
—Pa Tickle
