NEW CONCORD, OH. (wire services) Academicians nationwide have turned their eyes on tiny Muskingum College here, awaiting the outcome of what could be the most significant contract negotiations in the history of education. Attention is centered on Muskingum Professor of English Alex Leonhardt—internationally known for his extensive work on reader-response criticism—who appears to have successfully argued that the clause “one guaranteed parking space in Lot F” may be interpreted to mean “fully-paid sabbatical leave every other year.”

Administrators here and elsewhere are expressing concern that they may find it difficult to replace the huge percentage of middle-aged faculty expected to take de facto early retirement if Leonhardt’s argument is accepted. Most are expected to argue, as has Leonhardt, that mis-interpretation of their contracts has caused them to miss 10 or more paid sabbaticals; all are certain to begin making up the loss right away.

Meanwhile, professors from around the nation have sent literally tons of propagandizing mail in their colleague’s favor to the jury of Leonhardt’s peers—6 Arts and Sciences professors—which is expected to decide the case in Ohio circuit court as early as next week.

Donald Moorhead, professor of Law and Literature at Harvard University, has called Leonhardt’s defense “the greatest achievement to date by any academic in any field,” while Muskingum President Brion Andrews, himself a former Cambridge lecturer in English, has referred to it as “embarrassing nonsense.” In lieu of a public statement, Leonhardt himself has been handing out hand-written copies of T.S. Eliot’s poem The Wasteland.

NEW YORK (AP) The National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) has announced that, beginning in 1993, every athlete is entitled to have coaching and officiating performed in his own language. Due to the large number of foreign athletes on America’s college campuses, the new ruling will necessitate the hiring of record numbers of multi-lingual personnel.

Athletes have expressed mixed reactions to the new requirements. One Korean student pointed out, “I did not come to America to practice my own language,” while an Australian noted, “Who cares? I’ll graduate before that anyway.” At a large midwestern university, American athletes felt that the ruling was unnecessary. “Honestly,” said one, “not even the native speakers ever understood Bo, anyway.”

NICOSIA, CYPRUS (Reuters) In a thinly-veiled attempt to corner the world linguistics market, International Languages Conglomerate has been buying outstanding shares at a record US$2.52 per issue. Weak-willed investors, more concerned with a quick profit than with the move’s potential consequences, have already surrendered some 36%, meaning the parent company now holds 47%.

Meanwhile, ILC has reportedly also offered starting salaries of up to US$200,000 for B.A.’s in linguistics. Few have accepted positions, however, because it is generally believed that anyone holding such a contract would be barred by common consent from attending scholarly conferences among self-respecting (and typically impoverished) academic researchers.

	Old Professor Hockett—James Riley Whitcomb
	Progress in South American Protolinguistics—Robert Norris
	World of Language — JLSSCNC Vol I, No 2 Contents