Speculative Grammarian Podcast

Last Call: SpecGram Podcast Survey

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 10:13:10 EST

Thanks to everyone who has taken part in the SpecGram podcast survey. We’ve got some changes planned in response to the comments we’ve gotten so far, but there’s still time to make your opinion count. Go to http://specgram.com/survey and fill out our short questionnaire and tell us what you like best about the podcast. We may even listen!

Stepfather Goose, or, Just Take a Gander

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 10:12:03 EST

Stepfather Goose, or, Just Take a Gander; by U No Hu (alias Carleton T. Hodge) ; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. ——— This little phone had high tone, This little phone had low, This little phone was nasalized, This little phone was not so, ...

The Learner’s Task

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 10:11:02 EST

The Learner’s Task; by K. Slater; From Linguist of Fortune, Volume I, Number 1 of The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia, November 1990. ——— Some say it isn’t any fun to imitate another’s tongue; while idioms and turns of phrase can often baffle and amaze the novice who must learn their ways.

Gothic for Travellers

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 10:10:01 EST

Gothic for Travellers; by A Judzis, the Visigoth; From Volume CXLVII, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, April 1993.. ——— Hints for the traveller: The Goths are a very friendly and gregarious people. They will be quick to invite you to their homes for special ceremonies and entertainments. They also have hot tempers, so don't turn down an invitation to go home with a Goth. Good conversation starters are death, torture, eating and drinking.

The Linguistic Rapture

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:03:01 EST

The Linguistic Rapture; by LaTim ElHaye and Leeeerooooy Jiŋkins; From Volume CLXI, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2011. ——— We have been watching with interest the ongoing debate in Speculative Grammarian over the so-called “ultimate truth” of cosmolinguology. The arguments for and against the various linguistic bangs, crunches, rips, freezes, and bounces have been fascinating, but all are ultimately hollow and meaningless because they are made by theolinguistically uniformed physicolinguists. Even an amoral neo-Chomskyite lexicalist Bloduweddan knows that only theolinguistically-motivated accounts, such as wrathful dispersion, are even possibly relevant in discussions of the true fate of the linguoverse.

An Editorial Comment on ElHaye and Jiŋkins

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:02:01 EST

An Editorial Comment on ElHaye and Jiŋkins; by Butch McBastard and Jonathan van der Meer; From Volume CLXI, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2011. ——— We, too, have been “watching with interest” the “ongoing” cosmolinguological “debate” among several well-known and well-respected physolinguists. As supporters of free speech and vigorous debate, the editors of Speculative Grammarian encourage and support the energetic exchange of ideas, even when those ideas are tripe. Thus, we felt compelled to let ElHaye and Jiŋkins have their say, even though their anti-lexicalist and anti-Bloduweddan comments are anathema to even the least tolerant among us. (However, of note, their anti-Chomskyite implicatures are generally acceptable to all but the most tolerant among us. Funny that.)

The Linguistic Doomsday

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:01:01 EST

The Linguistic Doomsday; by Dr. X. Nibiru; From Volume CLX, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2011. ——— While the parallels between physics and linguistics, between the physical universe and the linguoverse, are useful as a metaphorical lens through which to contemplate the role and fate of language, the parallels are far from complete. Unlike the physical universe, which is cold and at best apathetic toward the fate of humans, the linguoverse is warm and alive and intimately linked to the humans who form the substrate for the very existence of the linguoverse. There will be no Linguistic Big Crunch, Rip, Freeze, or Bounce. There will be no Linguistic Singularity, either, because the Linguistic Doomsday will destroy the linguoverse long before there is time for anything else to happen.

The Linguistic Singularity and the Linguistic Multiverse

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:00:01 EST

The Linguistic Singularity and the Linguistic Multiverse; by Mikio Chachu; From Volume CLX, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, December 2010. ——— The tripe piles higher and deeper in the pages of SpecGram, a journal I once respected, as so-called “linguophysicists” barely worthy enough to utter the name of our noble profession spew out wholly inappropriate and wildly unsupported theories of Big Linguistic Crunches, Rips, Freezes, and Bounces. While the immature pretenders to cosmolinguistics paddle around in the shallow end, the true deep thinkers have deeply pondered the deep future. Their deep conclusions are deeply profound.

Language Made Difficult, Vol. X

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 19:03:03 EST

Language Made Difficult, Vol. X — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss Danish and its vowels, and Proto-Ape-Wave. They also investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, and confess their prescriptive tendencies.

The Linguistic Big Bounce

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 15:13:00 EST

The Linguistic Big Bounce; by Dyman Freeson; From Volume CLX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, November 2010. ——— I have watched with horror over the last several issues as the wrong-headed, ill-conceived, tripe-laden discussion of the ultimate fate of the linguoverse has unfolded in the pages of this once proud journal. Block’s Linguistic Big Crunch, Saygone’s Linguistic Big Rip, Tipler and Barrow’s Linguistic Big Freeze—all are once-enlightening but no-longer–enlightened models of our linguistic future.

The Linguistic Big Freeze

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 15:12:00 EST

The Linguistic Big Freeze; by John Tipler and Frank J. Barrow; From Volume CLIX, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, September 2010. ——— It is with some disappointment that we feel obligated to submit this article to the previously respectable Speculative Grammarian, which has now been demoted to the position of Purveyor of Meta-Tripe.

The Linguistic Big Rip

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 15:11:00 EST

The Linguistic Big Rip; by Charlie Saygone; From Volume CLIX, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2010. ——— In the June 2010 issue, Block claims that there is an impending “Linguistic Big Crunch.” I am appalled that SpecGram would allow such tripe to be published.

The Linguistic Big Crunch

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 15:10:00 EST

The Linguistic Big Crunch; by M. Adam Block; From Volume CLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010. ——— In my role as Physologist at the High-Energy Pronoun Accelerator, I have been charged with the complex task of determining the physical laws of language. Throughout my long and distinguished career these first three days on the job, I have come to a startling conclusion: the universe of language as we know it will ultimately and spectacularly conclude in a Linguistic Big Crunch.

Language Made Difficult, Vol. IX

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 09:00:03 EST

Language Made Difficult, Vol. IX — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss parrot naming practices and "discuss" the "loss" of "cursive" "handwriting". They also investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, and Ask Mr Linguist about the legitimacy of the word "funner".

Je suis /hoze/

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 09:00:01 EDT

Je suis /hoze/; by Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr.; From Volume CLVII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, August 2009. ——— Once again I am compelled to relate the tale of graduate students who have displayed shocking behaviour in the pursuit of linguistic analysis. I have written previously of some students who left me flabbergasted after proposing an analysis of Spanish "hola" as an inflection of a back-formed infinitive "holar", meaning “to be greeted”.

In space no one can hear you scream

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 09:00:02 EDT

In space no one can hear you scream; by Keith W. Slater; From Volume CXLVIII, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, February 1998. ——— I opened my ears and the stars came down / speakers of languages I once called exotic / but now call data

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VIII

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 08:00:00 EDT

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VIII — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss the "oldest" words in English and whether kids really are better than adults at learning languages. They also investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, and Ask Mr Linguist about a mythical beast called the "thesaurus".

A New Mechanism For Contact-Induced Change

Tue, 11 Oct 2011 14:35:01 EDT

A New Mechanism For Contact-Induced Change; by H.D. Onesimus; From Volume CL, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2005. ——— Modern contact linguistics has demonstrated an impressive ability to account for language change and the emergence of new languages with a remarkably small number of mechanisms: bilingualism, creolization, borrowing, and convergence (also known as “smart drift”).

The Glottal Stop Word

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 09:15:01 EDT

The Glottal Stop Word; by So /ʔːː/ Confused; From Volume CLVIII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2010. ——— Dear Editors, I think I may have discovered an unexpected allomorph of the so-called “F-word”. I have a long-time friend—the sort with whom one may seem to share a psychic connection, able to complete each other’s sentences and speak volumes with the a flick of an eyebrow. We were discussing a mutual enemy when she said: “I wish he could get his /ʔːː/ act together.”

Dissection

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 09:15:02 EDT

Dissection; by Bryan Allen; From Volume CL, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2005. ——— Dissection—extracted from the ether it lies...

How Computers Can Do Fieldwork For You: A Case Study

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 09:00:01 EDT

How Computers Can Do Fieldwork For You: A Case Study; by Chit Fullah; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010. ——— So, as a very mature and worldly individual—I am 20 years old after all—I am continually surprised by the lack of sophistication among the older generations—y’know, from 30 on up. They seem to be oblivious to the most rudimentary facets of everyday life, like Twitter, Reddit, and Fark. I mean, these people grew up on this planet—not like in Africa or something. Posers.

Veritas

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 09:00:02 EDT

Veritas; by Pocus Pisces; From Volume XVI, Number 4, of Psammeticus Quarterly, August 1989. ——— Linguistic thought’s been full of folks/ Who’ve known the psych-real rules;/ Each one is sure that he is right/ And all the others—fools!

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VII

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 08:00:00 EDT

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VII — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by surprise guest Comptroller General Joey Whitford for Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, discuss stubborn speakers of a dying language and robot conlangers, enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod, and discuss the Slater Method with its creator.

How to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 08:00:00 EDT

How to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork; by The SpecGram Editorial Board; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010. ——— The thing is is that fieldwork is expensive, and yet we have to somehow pay for it. Or we won’t get to do it. And really, heaven help the poor soul who can’t pay for a trip even to Tahiti, and has to try to come up with some topic on English syntax that hasn’t already been beaten like a dead metaphor.

Linguistics Manifesto

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 08:01:00 EDT

Linguistics Manifesto; by Ling M. Anifesto; From Volume CLXI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2011. ——— Introduction to Linguistics Manifesto—There have been many linguistic manifestos over the course of the many centuries since man uttered his first schwa. But never, in the entire history of the universe, according to my private research, has there ever been a linguistics manifesto—that is, a manifesto on linguistics itself.

To the Field Workers, to Make Much of Time

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 08:02:00 EDT

To the Field Workers, to Make Much of Time; by Earl Herrick; From Volume XVI, Number 4, of Psammeticus Quarterly, August 1989. ——— Gather ye data while ye may,/  Old Time is still a-flying./  Informants that can speak today/  Tomorrow will be dying.

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VI

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 22:40:00 EDT

Language Made Difficult, Vol. VI — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by guest Devan Steiner for Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, discuss a Boston Accent Eradication Program and the suddenly uncertain future of the Oxford Comma, enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod, and answer tweets from fans.

The Uncanny Science of Linguistic Reconstruction

Sun, 10 Jul 2011 15:15:15 EDT

Speculative Grammarian proudly re-presents “The Uncanny Science of Linguistic Reconstruction” by Timothy Pulju. Originally presented at TEDxDartmouth 2011. ©2011 TEDxDartmouth; licensed under the Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 3.0).

Language Made Difficult, Vol. V

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 08:45:00 EDT

Language Made Difficult, Vol. V — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss just how wrong Chomsky is and whether phoneme inventories shrink with distance form Africa, and investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics. We also enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod and grill DJP on his experience creating the Dothraki language for HBO.

The Joy of Old and Odd Books

Fri, 10 Jun 2011 09:00:01 EDT

The Joy of Old and Odd Books; A Letter from the Managing Editor; From Volume CLVIII, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2010. ——— As I was perusing my signed 1355 first edition copy of Jötunn Svartálfar’s Teach Yourself Gothic in Six Score Minutes per Fortnight, I was struck by the stark disparity between my personal and professional collections of books, as compared to the utter disregard for the written word displayed by the general American populace. Old books and odd books, musty treatises and crumbling tomes, flights of fancy and important, eternal ideas fill the bookshelves of my library and inhabit the chambers of my mind. In contrast, the average person—barely deserving of the appellation homo sapiens—cover what shelves they have with worthless gewgaws while their minds echo hollowly with a vapid emptiness.

λ♥[love] (Linguistics Love Song)

Sat, 4 Jun 2011 15:00:00 EDT

λ♥[love] (Linguistics Love Song); by Christine Collins; From Volume CLXII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2011. ——— let me have your heart and i will give you love / the denotation of my soul is the above / if there’s anything i lack, it’s you / as my double brackets, you make me mean things / i can’t say enough (Used with permission.)

Language Made Difficult, Vol. IV

Fri, 20 May 2011 08:45:00 EDT

Language Made Difficult, Vol. IV — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss the anatomical oddities of phoneticians, the fact that Big Brother may now be watching your every word, and more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics. We also enjoy Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod and discuss Twitter Feedback from “fans” of the show. Someone leaves the tape running too long, but power through it for an explosive musical bonus at the end of the episode.

Video: Linguistic Stand-Up Comedy from Gabe Olsen

Tue, 10 May 2011 10:28:00 EDT

Linguistic Stand-Up Comedy from Gabe Olsen

Survey of Linguistic Evidence of Meta-Consciousness in Tier-19 Terran Primates

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 13:20:01 EDT

Survey of Linguistic Evidence of Meta-Consciousness in Tier-19 Terran Primates; by Cëŏjpruustcrêrt êe Âgriüsturttâiy Fuördrêostsklanöukklėû Růŕskramnnuũrgciwä and Ëø Daerl stiic Uasŝăź swerz Ê; From Volume CLV, Number ζ of Speculative Grammarian, January 2009. ——— The following message arrived several months ago at the SpecGram main offices as a steganographic message encoded in the gift card attached to a Big Ol’ Bucket O’ Meat gift basket from Big Stu’s World of Taste—which had been the usual method of communication between the SpecGram editorial board and one of our top informants, known only to us by the code name Elbüo. We have good reason to believe Elbüo has regularly worked as a top exolinguistic consultant to one or more three-letter agencies of the United States government. We have not heard from Elbüo since this message was sent. In keeping with Clause 17 of our consulting contract with Elbüo, we must (1) assume he or she is dead, (2) stop payment to the numbered Swiss account, and (3) publish this, the last missive we received. Fortunately, with the new Obama administration coming to power, we are considerably less concerned about our chances of winding up in Gitmo over this.

Language Made Difficult, Vol. III

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 09:22:00 EDT

Language Made Difficult, Vol. III — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss linguistic “thought experiments”, physicists modelling bilingual societies, a letter from a young proto-linguist concerning the word “lukewarm”, and Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics.

Doing Fieldwork on Constructed Languages

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 10:05:01 EDT

Doing Fieldwork on Constructed Languages; by Curtis U. Lehder; From Volume CLIX, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, May 2010. ——— As all linguists know, there are only about 6,000 languages left in the world today, and that number is shrinking rapidly. Constructed (or created or invented or planned) languages, on the other hand, number more than 128 trillion, according to conservative estimates, and more and more flower into existence each and every day. Though up to now, formal linguists (or, at least, respectable formal linguists) have largely ignored the works of language creators, it seems inevitable that at some point in time during the late 21st or early 22nd century, there will remain only one natural language (Lithuanian), while constructed languages will number, quite literally, in the decillions.

The Other Sino-Tibetan Languages

Sun, 10 Apr 2011 10:06:01 EDT

The Other Sino-Tibetan Languages; by Book Announcement from Psammeticus Press; From Volume CLII, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, March 2007. ——— This volume fills in the considerable gaps left by Routledge’s slim 2003 volume The Sino-Tibetan Languages. Displaying an uncharacteristic lack of ambition, Thurgood and LaPolla treated, in that otherwise excellent work, less than 40 of the 400+ languages of this important family. Clearly, much work remained to be done, and we at Psammeticus Press have undertaken to do it. The Other Sino-Tibetan Languages describes the remaining 90% of the languages in the family.

Language Made Difficult, Vol. II

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 09:22:00 EDT

Language Made Difficult, Vol. II — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss mammal individuality and population size, architectural linguistics, a letter from a young proto-linguist concerning Urban Dictionary; and Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics.

Language Made Difficult, Vol. I

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 13:00:01 GMT

Language Made Difficult, Vol. I — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss the Sapir Worf Hypothesis; “New” vs “Nyoo”; and a letter from a young proto-linguist concerning IBM’s Watson on Jeopardy. Plus Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics.

An Iñupik Linguistic Fragment (or, the Last Grammarian)

Sun, 20 Feb 2011 10:35:01 EST

An Iñupik Linguistic Fragment (or, the Last Grammarian); by Metalleus; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. ——— The following fragment was found in a shoe box at Indiana University. It was translated by Metalleus with the help of a Phi Beta Kappa key. The author is unknown.

Nursery Rhymes From Linguistics Land

Sun, 20 Feb 2011 10:36:01 EST

Nursery Rhymes From Linguistics Land; by Yune O. Hūū, II; From Collateral Descendant of Lingua Pranca, October 2009. ——— Continuing in the great tradition of Stepfather Goose, the following nursery rhymes are presented to ensure their preservation for future generations of young linguists.

They Don’t Have a Word for It

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 08:30:01 EST

They Don’t Have a Word for It; by Book Announcement from Psammeticus Press; From Volume CLVII, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, December 2009. ——— With the inexplicable success of pseudo-lexicons such as Howard Rheingold’s 2000 “They Have a Word for It: A Lighthearted Lexicon of Untranslatable Words and Phrases”, C. J. Moore’s 2004 “In Other Words: A Language Lover’s Guide to the Most Intriguing Words Around the World”, and Adam Jacot de Boinod’s 2005 “The Meaning of Tingo: And Other Extraordinary Words from Around the World”, a native speaker of English could get the sinking feeling that English lacks the basic expressiveness needed to convey the most basic human needs and desires.

Regular Isomorphisms of Categorization in the Apathetic Informant

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 08:31:01 EST

Regular Isomorphisms of Categorization in the Apathetic Informant; by Angus Æ. Balderdash, Esq.; From Volume CXLIX, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, July 2004. ——— Unfortunately, it is often the case that when working with data sets containing particularly uncommon kinds of data, the number of qualified consultants available to provide native-speaker interpretations of the data is quite low. In such cases, it is often necessary to work with consultants who have one or more sub-optimal characteristics: poor work ethic, lack of attention to detail, weak fashion sense, surly attitude, inclination toward insubordination, poor personal hygiene, difficulty following instructions—the list is all but endless.

Twenty Special Forms of Rhetoric

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 08:01:01 EST

Twenty Special Forms of Rhetoric; by Dawn B. Seely; From Volume CXLVII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, March 1993. ——— Rhetoric has been a topic of academic interest for, approximately, forever. Below are detailed a number of special types of rhetorical argument, some of which, for example, Proof by Impressiveness, have been observed since the time of Aristotle and before. Others, for example, Proof by Intimidation, have been clearly recognized only within the last century. Some of these, for example, Proof by Loudness, have never been explicitly delineated before. The uses of rhetoric are manifold and many explications of such have been made before, which this paper will not repeat.

The Oxford Comma: A Solution

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 08:02:01 EST

The Oxford Comma: A Solution; by Eliza Doolittle; From Volume CL, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2005. ——— The Oxford Comma has once again raised its nasty little head in linguistic circles, thanks largely to the efforts of one Ms Truss and her book, Eats, Shoots and Leaves. It is time once and for all to put this little beast to rest. (No, not Ms Truss, you moron—the Oxford Comma).

Ready! Fire! Aim!—A New Approach to Military Combat Using Language Science

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 08:00:05 EST

Ready! Fire! Aim!—A New Approach to Military Combat Using Language Science; by François Achille Bazaine; From Volume CLVIII, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, March 2010. ——— One of the aims of any branch of scientific inquiry is to improve the lives of men. Surely the Science of Language is no different, and just as surely the lives of soldiers are among those most in need of improvement. The French military has had a long and varied history, with its share of both victory and defeat. There is as much if not more to be learned from failure as from success, if only one will take the time to understand. After much reading of the writings of my countryman Jean-François Champollion, I have taken it upon myself to apply the principles of Language Science to the goal of the betterment of the French military.

An Introduction to Linguistics in Haiku Form

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 08:00:00 EST

An Introduction to Linguistics in Haiku Form; by Anonymous; From Volume CLIX, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, September 2010. ——— linguistic theory / hidden representations / to surface structures

Towards a Perfect Definition of the Term “Sign”

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 13:00:01 GMT

Towards a Perfect Definition of the Term “Sign”; by Louis Capet; From Volume I, Number 3 of Better Words and Morphemes, The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia, May 1991. ——— Saussure defined the sign as the union of the signifier and the signified. Steinmetz emphasized the importance of the interactional element. Burma-Shave proposed that a sign could only be understood in the context of adjacent signs. Modern linguistics has elaborated the concept of the sign system.

French Sues English

Fri, 10 Dec 2010 13:00:01 GMT

French Sues English; by SpecGram Wire Services; From Volume CLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010. ——— The Académie Française filed a lawsuit today at the European Court of Language Slights in Brussels against the English language, claiming 650 million euros in compensation. The suit against the English language describes “the intentional misappropriation of core elements of French and imitation of its distinctive sound.” The Académie seeks damages and an injunction that, if granted, would prevent English from being spoken until the case has been resolved.

The Linguistics Wars

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 13:00:01 GMT

The Linguistics Wars; by Dæriam Landec, Ph.D., l’École de SpecGram, Istanbul; From Volume CLI, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2006. ——— As is widely known—though not exhaustively covered in the linguistic, academic, or mainstream press—an unfortunate series of events that have become widely known as “The Linguistics Wars” unfolded in Montana in the spring of 2005. Over the course of a few days, several devastating attacks were launched between the Montana Morphemic Militia (or M³)—a group that has been variously described as a linguistic-oriented paramilitary organization and a military-oriented paralinguistic organization—and the Montana field office of the First Earth Battalion (or F.E.B.)—a formerly secret but still active unit of the U.S. Army established in the late 1970s to exploit paranormal and other alternative forms of military intervention.

The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part II

Fri, 15 Oct 2010 13:00:01 GMT

The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part II; by Jʚsɘph Cɑɱpbɛɬɭ; From Volume CLIX, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2010. ——— Noams: Small, wizened, earth-dwelling mytholingual creatures of Europe and North America. Generators of controversy and vitriolic rhetoric among such detractors as Traskus—Basque-speaking etymological kobolds—who often claim that noams publish “dogmatic”, “half-baked twaddle” on universal mythogrammar, despite the fact that “UM is a huge waste of time.”

The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part I

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 13:00:01 GMT

The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part I; by Jʚsɘph Cɑɱpbɛɬɭ; From Volume CLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010. ——— Abominable Synonym: A mytholingual creature of Nepal and Tibet that causes speakers within the radius of its effect to pathologically doubt their ability to choose the right word.

Phonological Theory and Language Acquisition

Sun, 15 Aug 2010 13:00:01 GMT

Phonological Theory and Language Acquisition; by Notker Balbulus, Monastery of St. Gall; From Volume CXLVIII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, January 1998. ——— Gildea has argued that modern phonological theorizing suffers from a tendency toward over application of a particular insight. That is, a particular theory is developed to deal with a particular sort of problem, which it handles well. However, the theory's creators, emboldened by their success, and eager to win a Kuhnian victory over their rivals, then start applying the theory willy-nilly to areas for which it is not well-suited.

Morphemes: A New Threat to Society

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 13:00:01 GMT

Morphemes: A New Threat to Society; by Susan Wishnetsky; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. ——— This leaflet was produced by the Council On Morpheme Abuse (COMA) to increase public awareness of the most recent health hazards.

How to Do Fieldwork on Proto-Indo-European

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 13:03:01 GMT

How to Do Fieldwork on Proto-Indo-European; by Tim Pulju, Dartmouth College; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010

New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 13:02:01 GMT

New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!; by Yreka Bakery, Egello College; From Volume CLI, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, April 2006. ——— An apparently new speech disorder a linguistics department our correspondent visited was affected by has appeared. Those affected our correspondent a local grad student called could hardly understand apparently still speak fluently.

Subliminal Linguistics

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 13:01:01 GMT

Subliminal Linguistics; By Trey Jones, at Rice University; From Volume CXLVII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, February 1993. ——— The new field of subliminal linguistics questions whether or not it is possible that there are clues available to children for language acquisition which are not obvious to those who study the process, and which may occur below the level of conscious recognition, but nonetheless aid language acquisition.

What is Linguistics Good For, Anyway?

Sun, 16 May 2010 13:00:01 GMT

What is Linguistics Good For, Anyway?; An Advice Column by Jonathan “Crazy Ivan” van der Meer; From Volume CLV, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2009. ——— The most commonly asked question of a linguist, when one’s secret is revealed, is (all together now!): “How many languages do you speak?” I’ve decided that a good answer to this question is π. More than three, less than four—though if you discover that your interlocutor is singularly unsophisticated or otherwise from Kansas, you can call it three to keep things simple.

The Braille Song

Thu, 15 Apr 2010 13:00:01 GMT

The Braille Song; by Innocuous Mustard; Music and Lyrics by Sheri Wells-Jensen, Sam Herrington, and Jason Wells-Jensen; From Volume CLVIII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2010. ——— You can read it in the sunshine, / Standin’ in the lunch line, / Under cover after bedtime: Braille, Braille, Braille.

The Boustrophedon-Plummerfeld Hypothesis and Futurological Linguistics

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 13:00:01 GMT

The Boustrophedon-Plummerfeld Hypothesis and Futurological Linguistics; by Jay Trones; From Volume CXLVII, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, February 1993. ——— Recently I found myself "fortunate enough to find such occasion" (Pyles & Algeo, P.46) as to weasel the word 'boustrophedon' into a conversation. After having expounded on the many joyous properties of this word, I entreated my fellow conversational participant to remember the word, and attempt to become one of those few and proud who have used it casually in non-academia. In a subsequent discourse with my native English speaking informant, I asked her to recall the illustrious word. Her response was 'plummerfeld'.

The Tribesman

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 13:00:01 GMT

The Tribesman; by Aya Katz & Leslie Fish; From Volume CXLVII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 1993 —— Once a fieldworker hiked into unknown terrain, / Seeking someone to question, he came. / When he asked of the natives what language they spoke / There was one who was glad to explain. / Behind lay a linguist, as well as a saint, / Who would translate the Bible for them. / Would decipher the code of their language so quaint, / And secure for himself lasting fame.

A 21st Century Proposal for English Spelling Reform

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 13:00:02 GMT

A 21st Century Proposal for English Spelling Reform; by H. Sanderson Chambers III; From Volume CXLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2004. ——— As is well-known to all educated people—and if it’s not well-known to you, then you’re not one of us—the early part of the 20th century was the heyday of the Simplified Spelling movement, which sought to reform English spelling on the grounds that it was “mard by absurdities and inconsistencies”. So what, you might say? Well, among other things, the simplifiers claimed that the spelling system kept English from being adopted as an international language: “A language, in which to learn to spel imperfectly takes two ful years of scool-time in the countries where it is spoken, does not recommend itself to the forener as a convenient medium for conducting his relations with other foreners”.

Reanalysis of Spanish by Naïve Linguists

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 13:00:03 GMT

Reanalysis of Spanish by Naïve Linguists; by Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr.; From Volume CLV, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, September 2008. ——— While sitting in the Linguistics Lounge the other day, I overheard some first-year grad students discussing the day’s Spanish class. My eavesdropping turned out to be much more interesting than I had anticipated.

Nasal-Ingressive Voiceless Velar Trill (Letters to the Editor)

Tue, 1 Dec 2009 13:03:00 GMT

Letters to the Editor; From Volume CLI, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2006. ——— To the most respected editors, In the fall I’ll be a first-year grad student in linguistics at R—— University. A couple of the current fourth-years told me that the International Phonetic Association was adding several new symbols for sounds that have previously been considered to have questionable status as phonemes. They said that the most contentious new addition was double-dot wide-O, a nasal-ingressive voiceless velar trill.

Where No Researcher Should Tread

Tue, 1 Dec 2009 13:02:00 GMT

Where No Researcher Should Tread; By Cowell R. Augh, Ph.D.; From Volume CLVI, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, May 2009. ——— We, the linguistic community at large, owe a great deal of thanks to our esteemed colleague Quentin Popinjay Snodgrass for alerting us to the dangers of lexicalism. A hero of his stature doesn’t come along every day, and it would be wise of us to pay close attention to his advice—and, may I say, it is my general belief that many of us have done just that. There are those, however, who either remain ignorant of the horrors of lexicalism, or deny its ability to corrupt the minds of students and academics alike. “Everyone in my department abhors lexicalist theories of grammar!” chortles John T. Department Chair. “Why should I remain on guard?” In times of war (for, realistically, what is this if not warfare?), though, one must be prepared for anything—especially when the enemy appears in the guise of an ally: language itself!

The Effect of Coffee Consumption on Adults' Average MLU

Tue, 1 Dec 2009 13:01:00 GMT

The Effect of Coffee Consumption on Adults’ Average MLU at the Breakfast Table; By Suzy X.; From Volume XVI, Number 3 of Psammeticus Quarterly, May 1989. ——— Dear Sirs: When Mommy fell asleep at the computer during her third straight all-nighter and accidentally erased her doctoral thesis, I wrote this to help her out. She graduated with honors, and so I thought I’d do a paper on it and send it to you, since I’ve heard it’s your kind of thing. Please do not print my full name with this article, because I am not allowed to use Mommy’s computer at all. Thanks, Suzy X.