The Secret Life of Agentives

Maxwell Smart, B.A. and “Susan” “Hilton”, 99 Ph.D.s
CENTER FOR ORGANIZATIONAL NOMENCLATURE, THEORY,
RHETORIC, ONOMATOPOEIA, & LINGUISTICS

Agent nouns—also collectively known by the code name nomina agentis—are nouns of action and derring-do! However, they denote not the action itself, but rather the entity who—living large and taking charge—performs the relevant action.

Many agents we all know and respect live their lives out in the open—the flyer flies, the baker bakes, the singer sings—but there are many secret agentives whose tales of action and derring-do go largely unrecorded and unheralded. Fortunately, while many secret agentives are still in the field and leading double lives, C.O.N.T.R.O.L. has been able to declassify some information on retired agentives to share with the public.

A spider, originally spite-er, is one who acts out of spite—likely deriving from the story of Arachne and Athena.

A booger is one who occasionally emits nasal particles when they boogie-woogie too hard.

A shoulder, from should-er, is one who dispenses advice beginning with “You should...”

A mayor is one who may do things—that is, someone who is generally evasive about what they intend to do.

A wager is one who wags, derived from a medieval tradition of betting dogs on the outcome of horse races.

A pester—from which the etymologically incorrect verb *to pester is derived—is someone who pests. This means that they introduce certain types of animals into people’s gardens to sow mayhem.

An order, originally (h)oard-er, is one who hoards people or things, often arranging them in neat lines for safekeeping.

A copper is one who cops, taking things boldly and then claiming it was for your own good.

A silver is one who silvs, covering objects with a thin shiny coating.

A cover is one who coves—that is, inhabits small sheltered bays, occasionally emerging to hide picnic blankets.

A teleprompter is someone who is prompt in their delivery of televisions.

A meter, originally meat-er, is one who apportions meat at the communal table, often with judgmental precision.

A bother is someone who, when presented with two options, consistently picks both of them, as in the following interaction between a parent and their child: “Do you want the cookie or the chips?” “Both!” “Oh, Timmy, you’re such a bother!”

A mother is one who moths, fluttering gently around a room, often drawn to the warm glow of a child’s smile or a kitchen lightbulb.

A brother is someone who broths (i.e., makes some broth either for themself or others). The “male sibling” meaning is derived from the cultural expectation in Anglo-Saxon culture that male siblings were expected to do all the cooking.

A sister is someone who ’sists others with anything they might need help with.

A father is someone who fathoms (the original form of the word being fathomer). That is, a father is someone who is able to understand almost any issue they try to consider.

A fever, originally fee-v-er, with an epenthetic /v/, is one who collects payment for making others uncomfortably warm.

A pier—originally both pie-er and pi-er, with the two becoming conflated over time—is one who hurls baked goods and transcendental numerical constants into the sea, often from a sturdy wooden platform.

A quarter is one who quarts, taking any whole thing and breaking it into four parts.

A buffer is one who buffs, adding a dazzling shine to anything, including their own reputation.

A beer is one who simply exists happily in a place, usually holding an alcoholic drink.

A temper is one who temps, filling in briefly for your better judgment before storming off.

An offer is one who offs things, that is, removes obstacles, often people, under the guise of generosity.

A river is one who rives, cleaving land dramatically in two while making gurgling noises.

An amber, originally amble-er, is one who talks while moving at a leisurely pace, often trapping others in sticky conversations.

A number is one who numbs, rendering others blissfully insensate with dull tasks or anesthetic charm; this is why there are so few charismatic mathematicians.

A confessor is one who listens privately to the sins of the contrite. As may be expected from the antonymic relation of the prefixes, a professor is an academic who brazenly publishes their sins without remorse.

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	The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective
	SpecGram Vol CXCV, No 3 Contents