SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongering—first it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... [ more ]
Draw Me a Linguist.Aster E. O’Gnosis and Margo Llicso. Much has been made recently in certain circles of the stereotypical views children have of scientists, and how those views are changed after paying a visit to CERN—all reflected in the drawings of the children. (Drollette, 2010) The cliché says that children are our future, and the humanizing effect of the CERN visit on children’s perceptions may eventually be parlayed into an increase in the number of young people who choose to pursue science as a profession, which of course results in better enrollment in college courses, and thus more funding for science departments. We figured linguistics could probably use some of that action, too. ... [ more ]
How Do I Love Thee?, Let Me Draw a Tree Diagram.Alex Savoy.[Author’s Note: Quite in fitting with the approach of Valentine’s Day, I submit this love poem, which, surprisingly, actually worked—though alas I am no longer dating said person anymore, which is why I am bitterly prostituting this former declaration of love, which I have suitably altered for the occasion.] How do I love thee? Let me draw a tree diagram— I was maundering, lonely as a bilabial trill, When I first heard your voice—(some breathy strange tongue), I was love-struck at once—(after all, I was young), How rounded your mouth, And iotally perfect your skin. Your eyes are like geminates, plosive and clear, ... [ more ]
On the Proto-Indo-European Origin of ‘Twerk’.Mark Butcher & Mark Candlestick-Maker, Department of PIE Studies, Pecan University. A common question asked of linguists these days, to our collective dismay, is “What is the etymology of ‘twerk’?”1 Twerking is a dance craze with respectable origins in the New Orleans bounce music scene,2 but it has enraged millions in recent years for reasons we would rather avoid writing about. Several authors have speculated that the term is a clipping of ‘footwork’ or a portmanteau of ‘twist’ and ‘jerk’3 (foolish speculation, we know). We will make the case that the word is of ... [ more ]
Personal Ads for Linguists—including linguists of every kind seeking romance, academic partnerships, and more—all with that special SpecGram twist. N.B.: Information in personal ads is provided by the submitters. The editors and publishers of Speculative Grammarian are not responsible for their content, including, but not limited to, typos, spelling mistakes, poor grammar, bad judgment, factual errors, bald-faced lies, or lapses in national security ... [ more ]
Call for Volunteers. Unfortunately, SpecGram has ceased publication, so we will no longer be needing any new volunteer editors. If you’d like to help out your favorite journal of satirical linguistics, you can join us! Volunteer Editors: We’re always looking to expand the rolls of our editorial board. Duties include proofreading new issues before they are published, advising the senior editors on various projects, contributing to collaborative articles, and even suggesting ideas for articles or projects. There’s no specific required level of participation, but it’d be great if you had time to proofread most new issues during the the last week of the month. Rewards include membership in a fairly ... [ more ]
Speculative Grammarian and SpecGram.com.Our Story. The august journal Speculative Grammarian has a long, rich, and varied history, weaving an intricate and subtle tapestry from disparate strands of linguistics, philology, history, politics, science, technology, botany, pharmacokinetics, computer science, the mathematics of humor, basket weaving, archery, glass blowing, roller coaster design, and bowling, among numerous other, less obvious fields. SpecGram, as it is known to devotees and sworn enemies alike, has for centuries sought to bring together the greatest yet least understood minds of the time, embedding itself firmly in the cultural and psychological matrix of the global society while ... [ more ]
The Compleat Encyclopaedia of Compendious Historical Lexicons of Obscure and Archaic Vernacular and Nomenclature. Welcome to Online Selections from The Compleat Encyclopaedia of Compendious Historical Lexicons of Obscure and Archaic Vernacular and Nomenclature, researched, compiled, and edited by the lexicographers, etymologists, and philologists of Speculative Grammarian. The editors of Speculative Grammarian are delighted to present selections of the fifty-volume lexicographic opus, The Compleat Encyclopaedia of Compendious Historical Lexicons of Obscure and Archaic Vernacular and Nomenclature, online for the first time ever. The Compleat Encyclopaedia is a one-of-a-kind resource, compiled ... [ more ]
The Speculative Grammarian AutoGrammatikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠. On several occasions, mention has been made of the AutoGrammatikon™ Quasi-Universal Translator℠ in the pages of SpecGram; in the current epoch, these references date back as early as at least 2004.1 In the following years there have been denials,2 mentions,3 more4 mentions,5 leaked internal documents,6 and even some early oral history7 (accompanied as it was by additional denials). Throughout this time the consistent official stance of the Editorial board of SpecGram has been to deny that the AutoGrammatikon™ exists, ... [ more ]
Quotes: What People are Saying. Here are a few of our favorite things people have said about Speculative Grammarian over the years, collected wild on the internet, or domesticated in email — Q1117. C’est sans doute un humour un peu ésotérique mais bon —Sémioticien du bisou — Q1116. Support the addition of the double-dot wide O to the IPA chart by buying some Speculative Grammarian merchandise! No, I’m not being sponsored or getting a commission from them. I just appreciate good geeky humour —Grace Teng — Q1115.Speculative Grammarian ist die erste Zeitschrift für satirische Linguistik. Kostenlos zugänglich, ein ... [ more ]
Choose Your Own Career in Linguistics.by Trey Jones. As a service to our young and impressionable readers who are considering pursuing a career in linguistics, Speculative Grammarian is pleased to provide the following Gedankenexperiment to help you understand the possibilities and consequences of doing so. For our old and bitter readers who are too far along in their careers to have any real hope of changing the eventual outcome, we provide the following as a cruel reminder of what might have been. Let the adventure begin ... [ more ]
Psammeticus Press www.specgram.com/psammeticuspress/, Chiasmus of the Month Awards ... This somewhat irregular award is a sign of our recognition of and deep appreciation for the authors’ contribution to the upholding of decent writing standards in academic literature and to the dissemination of the finest of speech figures. Winners are selected for eachmost many issues by our Chiastic Editor and Editorial Chiasturge. The honorees to date are listed below. Chiasmus of the Month; November 2025, Todd Copeland, 2024, “A Figure of Speech and a Speechless Figure: Determinations of Identity in George Sand’s Indiana and Edith Wharton’s The House of ... [ more ]
A Love/Hate Relationship: Pesky Antonyms.Jessie Sams, Stephen F. Austin State University. When students get to college, the majority of them have never thought about antonyms as being anything more than “opposites.” So big is the opposite of small, just like buyer is the opposite of seller. Then, all of a sudden, students are forced into a linguistics course with a professor who tells them that they have to learn to differentiate among different types of antonyms. Student’s minds are nearly exploding with information as they have to learn definitions of terms like ‘converse’ and ‘gradable’ and ‘complementary’ in the world of ... [ more ]
New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!. An apparently new speech disorder a linguistics department our correspondent visited was affected by has appeared. Those affected our correspondent a local grad student called could hardly understand apparently still speak fluently. The cause experts the LSA sent investigate remains elusive. Frighteningly, linguists linguists linguists sent examined are highly contagious. Physicians neurologists psychologists other linguists called for help called for help called for help didn’t help either. The disorder experts reporters SpecGram sent consulted investigated apparently is a case of pathological center embedding. Yreka Bakery (Egello College). ... [ more ]
Semiotica.Deedles D’Dee, SpecGram Poet-in-Residence. There’s a corner of linguistics that is known as semiotics: “The science of the sign”—and it’s turned lofty profs psychotic! There are several semioticians—Eco, Lotman, Barthes— But two of them, it’s claimed, stand two feet taller and apart: A Swiss and an American. Although they never met They’re considered the key players of the semiotics set. Saussure, first, was so sure that the sign was dyadic— Signifier and signified—he got quite ecstatic. It fit well with his view that reality was dichotomous (Saussurean precociousness or just so sure and serious?). ... [ more ]
Psammeticus Press, www.specgram.com/psammeticuspress/, NEW BOOKThe Other Sino-Tibetan Languages, Edited by, Qing Daixia, Brad Davidley, Van Geordriem, Chap Hillerell, Hans Ingalillson, Mat Jamisoff, Ed Jerrymondson, Ben Pauledict, Hong Sunkai, Published 2006. Hardcover, 4444 pages. Price: if you have to ask, you can’t afford it. This volume fills in the considerable gaps left by Routledge’s slim 2003 volume The Sino-Tibetan Languages. Displaying an uncharacteristic lack of ambition, Thurgood and LaPolla treated, in that otherwise excellent work, less than 40 of the 400+ languages of this important family. Clearly, much work remained to be done, and we at ... [ more ]
Letters to the Editor. Dear You, We were greatly pleased to read Mead D’’Cruft’s “Teacher, Teacher on the Wall...” It is a perfect example of our dictum that when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonguistics problems. Sincerely, Billy “Bully” Bullmoose, President, Purdue University Normal School, Linguistics Teaching Department ... Dear Billy, Or should we say “Bully” for you? We appreciate the hard-won praise from P.U.N.S. L.T.D. and especially your recognition that we practice lemonguistics—like linguistics, only sourer, we always say, and to be strictly distinguished from what is practiced at MIT and related departments, lemminguistics. Sincerely ... [ more ]
Poetry Corner.The Sinking Of Linear Thinking. (To be sung to the tune of The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald) I really can’t swear just what happens out there, When people go shopping at random, But arithmetic rules that we all learn in school, Are the first thing we choose to abandon. Yes, some are aware E=mc2, Or memorize log’rithm tables, But that sort of lore does not work at the store, And not knowing it doesn’t disable. Some shoppers compare the size of two wares, Or rely on their blind intuition, Some choose what’s on sale but never avail, Themselves of their long-hand division. Now Kuhn and Capon made a study thereon, Concluding most shoppers are backwards, But our good ... [ more ]
From the Archives!— Satirical Linguist’s Hat.The SpecGram Archive Elves™. As reported earlier, our very own Butch McBastard uncovered a satchel of papers and other miscellanea labeled, “ Top Secret SpecGram Time Capsule, 1964—Do Not Open for 50 Years! ” While the SpecGram legal team continues their spasmodic argufying over probable incriminating evidence proprietary information, we thought we would share another interesting SpecGram relic. Here are some photos of the seventeenth archival item, the Satirical Linguist’s Hat. Many a Speculative Grammarian or Lingua Prancker has said something along the lines of, “Of course, this paper was ... [ more ]
