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SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongering—first it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... [ more ]

How Do I Love Thee?, Let Me Draw a Tree Diagram. Alex Savoy. [Author’s Note: Quite in fitting with the approach of Valentine’s Day, I submit this love poem, which, surprisingly, actually worked—though alas I am no longer dating said person anymore, which is why I am bitterly prostituting this former declaration of love, which I have suitably altered for the occasion.] How do I love thee? Let me draw a tree diagram— I was maundering, lonely as a bilabial trill, When I first heard your voice—(some breathy strange tongue), I was love-struck at once—(after all, I was young), How rounded your mouth, And iotally perfect your skin. Your eyes are like geminates, plosive and clear, ... [ more ]

The Quasi, Pseudo, Crypto and Faux of Linguistics. Norris Nowaday, Professor of Genuinity in Linguistics, The Δίς Λεγόμενον Centre for Endeepened Ideation. Authenticity has, rightly, infiltrated itself across the disciplines: the transformation of (the coincidentally triune P-ness of) philosophy, psychology, and performance attests to the centrality of authenticity in contemporary academia. However, the construct of authenticity—and its shadow, the perennial enemies of authenticity, the inauthenticities of the crypto, the quasi, the pseudo and the faux—is yet to assert itself ... [ more ]

Propreantepenultimate Things You Didn’t Know You Didn’t Know, (because they aren’t actually true), gathered at great personal risk of, psycholinguistic harm from actual student papers by Madalena Cruz-Ferreira This 66th collection of students’ pearls of wisdom, laboriously digitised from hand-written papers, demonstrates once again how students new to the study of language speculate about grammar after having imperfectly absorbed what their teachers think they have taught them. On Linguistic Arbitrariness. Arbitrariness is characteristic of human spoken language, that is, the language creates the conditions. This is the linguistic relativity hypnosis. Linguistic signs are arbitrary. ... [ more ]

Rasmus Rask Puzzle XV— Gay Paree, and Points Beyond. by Lila Rosa Grau. This is the fifteenth Rasmus Rask puzzle, devoted to the original Mr. Charming Scandinavian Linguist. The puzzle is similar to a crossword puzzle, in that there is a grid for filling in words and phrases, and clues for the ACROSS and DOWN directions. However, all the squares in a Rasmus Rask puzzle are filled with letters, and the answers to the clues may (but are not required to) overlap. Clues for a particular row or column are given together, in the order they appear in the grid. No indication of the amount of overlap between clues is given. All answers should be dediacriticalized in the grid. Letters spelling out ... [ more ]

Not Even Wrong. A transcript of the 2010, SpecGram Free Form Linguistics Slam. Consider the Armenian proverb “You are as many people as languages you know.” Discuss! M.C. Conlang: Groovy! Specky McG: I’m not sure I’d expect a conlanger to like this. It implies that when you construct a language, you construct another version of yourself. Or does it only apply if you learn your own conlang? Or is forking off new personalities a good thing? Matt B-Radical: I am a horrible L1 liar and a more-than-convincing L2 liar. Alex HemiDemiSemicolon: Seems to me like it’d be more developing an aspect of yourself than constructing one anew... though I suppose ... [ more ]

The Linguistic Big Crunch. M. Adam Block. In my role as Physologist at the High-Energy Pronoun Accelerator,¹ I have been charged with the complex task of determining the physical laws of language. Throughout my long and distinguished career these first three days on the job, I have come to a startling conclusion: the universe of language as we know it will ultimately and spectacularly conclude in a Linguistic Big Crunch. Previous studies in historical linguistics approached the study of language as if it were a biological organism.² By tracing the speciation of language descendants from their ancestors, linguists have conclusively proved and extensively mapped a number of ... [ more ]

Linguists on the Loose. B. Zerk and D. Mented, SpecGram Wire Services, Last Updated: 4 minutes ago. . The entire city is at a tense standstill as reports are validated that over a thousand linguists have escaped from a downtown conference. Police are on the scene in a bewildered state, debating whether English really has one /k/ sound or several and pondering the safety impact on the general population from either scenario. It all started when Professor Kevina Kinsley gave a keynote address at the annual Linguistics Society of Great Britain and the Scandinavian Isles, arguing that Enklish as spoken by the Ankles did not borrow from the Nordik invaders, but instead was replaced entirely by the Vikink Tonkues. ... [ more ]

Crossword for Indo-Europeanists. by Tim Pulju. This puzzle is worth 10 points. Across, 1. Talks on and on, 5. Tense-aspect typologist Östen, 9. Pronoun for Narten, 12. Cupid, 13. Great lake, 14. Help, 15. Present stem w/secondary endings and augment, 17. Where to put a dead Villanovan, 18. Leader of the pack, 19. Hand or spear, in India or Italy, 21. Japanese drama, 22. Experiences emotion, 24. Ahab’s quarry, 27. Reel’s partner, 28. Selected Synonyms author, 31. Make a mistake, 32. Metal-bearing rock, 33. Caviar, 34. Horse race tipster, 36. ... [ more ]

A Final Word on Fame, Formulæ and Linguistics. Jonathan van der Meer and Lagâri Hasan Çelebi, Center for Computational Bioinformatics and Linguistics, NYC, NY. While we enjoyed reading the recent articles by Slater (“Strings and Things: A Unificational Meta-Theory for All Linguistics” SpecGram CLXVII.2, 2013) and Colden (“On the Quantum Nature of Linguistic Fame” SpecGram CLXVII.3, 2013) because they bring much needed attention to matters of fame, formulæ and linguistics that are near and dear to our hearts, we were sorely disappointed in the timing and direction of their efforts. As a result, we have a couple of important messages for Slater and Colden: ... [ more ]

ADVERTISEMENT SpecGram Language Placement Services. As any sociolinguist can tell you, language vitality is all about status. And frankly, most languages don’t have it. Does yours?¹ Most languages haven’t even taken the basic step of hiring a part-time publicist. Nor can most attract a truly talented linguist (or an unscrupulously devious one) whose tireless publication efforts can usher them into international prominence. Fortunately, SpecGram is here to help. SpecGram Language Placement Services offers your language the fame it deserves, at a price for any budget. Available Packages. “Back from the Brink” Language Tune-Up. Script consultation ... [ more ]

Draw Me a Linguist. Aster E. O’Gnosis and Margo Llicso. Much has been made recently in certain circles of the stereotypical views children have of scientists, and how those views are changed after paying a visit to CERN—all reflected in the drawings of the children. (Drollette, 2010) The cliché says that children are our future, and the humanizing effect of the CERN visit on children’s perceptions may eventually be parlayed into an increase in the number of young people who choose to pursue science as a profession, which of course results in better enrollment in college courses, and thus more funding for science departments. We figured linguistics could probably use some of that action, too. ... [ more ]

Mix & Match ***. by Max & Mitch Ninelette. The goal of this Mix & Match puzzle is to reconstitute a set of nine 9-letter words that have each had two trigrams removed. Below are two separate puzzles. Each includes a table to fill out and a set of trigrams with which to fill it up. Using each trigram once, fill the blanks in the table to form various nine-letter words. When you are done, three additional words will be revealed in the vertical direction for each puzzle. If you think you’ve figured out all the answers—that’s 24 nine-letter words!—submit your solution to the editors of SpecGram by November 1st, 2024. Solutions and solvers will be announced in the next ... [ more ]

Letters to the Editor. Dear Eds— While we enjoyed reading Eunice Emigre’s paean to the duality of the linguolabial trill, we were disappointed that he did not address the issue of its divergent articulations—some trillers trill their tongue, some their lip, and never the twain shall meet. Sincerely, Aktiva & Passiva Artikalatoro ... Dear Achy & Breaky, What truth! We encourage readers to discover their own linguolabial tribe and then attempt to visit the other one; it is a journey of great difficulty but great discovery. There is also a lot of slobber involved, so put down some plastic sheeting before you start —Eds. ❦ ❦ ❦ ❦ ❦ Dear Eds [comma] If I may ... [ more ]

Safety precautions for data mining expeditions. Prof. S.N.L. Ingqvist, Independent Data Prevention Consultant. The following text was found on the still twitching body of an explorer found near the opening to the lair of the Lithuanian gerund. It was a clear case of data poisoning. For your own protection, you may wish to consider the advice that he evidently ignored. If he’d taken it, he might still be alive today. Data mining is an inherently risky activity, and should not be undertaken unless you are aware of the risks. But with care it can be safe and enjoyable, even for the novice. If this is your first time, you may wish to engage the services of an experienced guide; but before taking charge of an expedition, or ... [ more ]

⟨h⟩ the Little Grapheme Soldier. Callum Robson. Readers, to set this article up imagine the following: in films of the war genre, you tend to have one young gutsy private who endeavours to help out his unit no matter what, though usually by the end of the film his efforts are unrewarded and unspoken of as he’s outshone by the leading man with his celebrity good looks. The linguistic equivalent of this is ⟨h⟩ he’s¹ overused, and underused, which usually gets him confused! Sadly, he’s not like ⟨s⟩ who gets all the privileged jobs. Everyone knows ⟨s⟩’s place: marker for plurals, third person singular marker, possessive marker and so forth; ... [ more ]

Look What The Postman Dragged In. *Editorial note—In the past, Tim Pulju took responsibility for answering all correspondence from our readers, and, as we mentioned previously, apparently took responsibility for writing much of it also. In fact, we’re not entirely sure some of the letters printed in this issue were not in fact written by him, but we can assure the readers that all responses were written by the WLS Publications Committee, a far more respectable body than the former committee of one. Editor: I neither wrote nor submitted the letter attributed to me in Vol. I.2 of your journal. In fact, for all you know, I didn’t even write this one. I am seriously disturbed by the lax standards which ... [ more ]

Exploring Penguin Causatives. Robert F. Scott, London, England, Penguin is a wide-spread language of the Southern Hemisphere, spanning Antarctic waters and southern coastal regions, and reaching as far north as the equator at the Galapagos Islands. Penguin is historically related to an extensive family of languages including Ostrich, Rhea, Emu, and Kiwi, which probably all descended from a common parent language, reconstructed as Proto-Dodo. In this paper, we will examine two interesting aspects of Penguin causatives, in hopes that these will shed light on the nature of causative constructions cross-linguistically. The first area of interest is morphological; the second is semantic. We will begin our ... [ more ]

The Dangers of Publishing Preliminary Findings. This paper is a refutation of Mr. Diaz’s “Classifying an Andean Language” which appeared in volume I, number 2 of Babel. I, too have been working for many years with the Quechuan dialects in northwestern Bolivia. Upon hearing of the Tileni language I traveled immediately to the region to gather data from native speakers. Thus I came to two startling conclusions: 1) One can never publish before one is sure of one’s facts, and 2) Mr. Diaz, whose reputation is heralded in the aforementioned issue of Babel, is an impetuous moron with no regard for the rigor of the scientific method. It is true that the vocabulary of Tileni bears a remarkable ... [ more ]

Crossword. by Doug Files. Answers will be printed in the next edition of The Journal, of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia. Crossword for Linguists. Across, 1, Ndonga for man’s apron made of the first stomach of a ruminant, 6, Tiv for the midpoint of the lower surface of a male organ, 10, Kiniasa for beads, 17, Zulu for get apportioned, 18, German for license, 19, Breton for crucible, 20, Malay for bad stomach pains, 21, English for make habituated, 22, Hiliagaynon for Chinese, 23, Oslo-accented English our, 24, Zulu for events to come, 26, Ndumu for go quietly, 28, Spanish for torch, 29, ... [ more ]

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