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1. Archives (25 visits)

SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongering—first it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... [ more ]


2. Vol CLXV, No 4 (15 visits)

SPECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN, Volume CLXV, Number 4; October 2012, MANAGING EDITOR Trey Jones SENIOR EDITOR Keith Slater EDITOR EMERITUS Tim Pulju Speculative Grammarian, Vol CLXV, No 4 CONSULTING EDITORS David J. Peterson Bill Spruiell, ASSOCIATE EDITORS Madalena Cruz-Ferreira Daniela Müller Mikael Thompson, EDITORIAL ASSOCIATES Cem Bozsahin Florian Breit Jonathan Downie Adam Graham Tel Monks Mary Pearce Callum Robson Mary Shapiro Sheri Wells-Jensen, COMPTROLLER GENERAL Joey Whitford Stop Voicing Now! ... [ more ]


3. Merchandise (15 visits)

Speculative Grammarian Merchandise. Introduction. In order to lend a hand to our good friends and steadfast supporters over at the Linguist List during their 2006 fund drive, we prepared a small selection of limited edition SpecGram merchandise, including T-shirts, stickers and magnets. Originally these items were only available as prizes awarded as part of the Linguist List fund drive. In 2012, several of the SpecGram editors suffered from a rare form of collective frontal lobe damage, which made it seem like a good idea to put together a SpecGram book. The result in 2013 was The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics. In 2014, Editor Mikael Thompson entered a deep fugue ... [ more ]


4. New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!—Yreka Bakery (8 visits)

New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!. An apparently new speech disorder a linguistics department our correspondent visited was affected by has appeared. Those affected our correspondent a local grad student called could hardly understand apparently still speak fluently. The cause experts the LSA sent investigate remains elusive. Frighteningly, linguists linguists linguists sent examined are highly contagious. Physicians neurologists psychologists other linguists called for help called for help called for help didn’t help either. The disorder experts reporters SpecGram sent consulted investigated apparently is a case of pathological center embedding. Yreka Bakery (Egello College). ... [ more ] Podcast! Book!


5. About Us (5 visits)

Speculative Grammarian and SpecGram.com. Our Story. The august journal Speculative Grammarian has a long, rich, and varied history, weaving an intricate and subtle tapestry from disparate strands of linguistics, philology, history, politics, science, technology, botany, pharmacokinetics, computer science, the mathematics of humor, basket weaving, archery, glass blowing, roller coaster design, and bowling, among numerous other, less obvious fields. SpecGram, as it is known to devotees and sworn enemies alike, has for centuries sought to bring together the greatest yet least understood minds of the time, embedding itself firmly in the cultural and psychological matrix of the global society while ... [ more ] Podcast!


6. Vol CXCV, No 3 (5 visits)

SPECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN, Volume CXCV, Number 3; February 2026, C HIEF C AT H ERDER &, A RBITER OF THE L AST W ORD, Trey Jones, O RDER OF THE, S PECULATIVE P SAMMETICOI, Keith Slater, Mikael Thompson, Tim Pulju, Bill Spruiell, Speculative Grammarian, Vol CXCV, No 3, H EAD OF L EARNING, L INGUISTICS T HROUGH, S ATIRE AND P UNS, Jonathan Downie, S YNTACTICO- P OET &, U NDER- E DITOR OF, U NDER- E DITING, Deak Kirkham, S ENIOR P UZZLING, T EST P ILOT, Vincent Fish, K EEPER OF THE, E DITORIAL T EA C ADDY, Pete Bleackley, A SSOCIATE D EPUTY, A SSISTANT S UB- M ANAGER, OF S ATIRICAL S UCCESS, Luca Dinu, O RTHOGRAPHER- A T- L ARGE, Daniel Swanson, D ILETTANTE E MERITUS, Tel ... [ more ]


7. Critical Readings in Linguistics Crossword Puzzle—Puzzle from Psammeticus Press (4 visits)

Psammeticus Press, www.specgram.com/psammeticuspress/, NEW PUZZLE, This puzzle is worth 250 points. Critical Readings in Linguistics Crossword Puzzle, By H.D. Onesimus and his underlings, Presented by Psammeticus Press. Price: Free In honor of this SpecGram puzzle issue, H.D. Onesimus presents this crossword puzzle. The clues are all based on essential works in Linguistics. Prize! Anyone who submits a correct solution to this puzzle will receive a certificate for a 2.5% discount on one book from Psammeticus Press. Across, 1. Word #15 on page 234 of Linguistics for Lazy People, 4. Word #220 on page 8 of An Interpreter’s Dictionary of Linguistic ... [ more ]


8. Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome (4 visits)

Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome . Are you looking for a book about ancient Roman history that’s interesting, informative, and amusing? No? Oh. Well, all the same, as long as you’re on this webpage already, we’d like to recommend that you buy Tim Pulju’s The History of Rome. Easy to read, full of genuine historical facts, and adorned with amateurish hand-drawn pictures, The History of Rome is so good that even Girolamo Savonarola might hesitate to cast it into the flames. And best of all, it’s only $6.99! Buy one now! Interested, but wary of being burned by a slick advertising campaign for a product that fails to live up to the hype? Then download the free preview and read ... [ more ]


9. Language Acquisition Device Found—R. Davis (4 visits)

Language Acquisition Device Found. Associated Linguists Press (ALP); April 2006. At a recent press conference in Istanbul Prof. I. Jones, chief on-site archeologist at an excavation of an Upper Paleolithic site in central Turkey, made an announcement that stunned the linguistics community: a language acquisition device, or “LAD” has been found. The LAD has long been the object of speculation among linguists and cognitive scientists concerned with the evolutionary origins and nature of language, but until now no one had actually seen one. The unexpected find was credited to a linguistics graduate student who had fortuitously volunteered to work at the dig site. During the usual painstaking process of brushing ... [ more ] Podcast!


10. The sg-index—Separating the Wheat from the Chaff—The SpecGram Data Science Interns (4 visits)

The sg-index, Separating the Wheat from the Chaff. Prepared by the SpecGram Data Science Interns. As requested by Herr Verbrechen Bestrafung, Speculative Grammarian Lord Commandant of Human Resources, Executive Baron of Psychological Manipulation, Exalted Overlord of Salary Suppression, and Sole Wielder of the Wand of Title Bestowment, we, the lowly and ever-humble SpecGram Data Science Interns have created, and hereby proffer to His Excellency, an unbiased and impartial metric by which to rate and rank the content-creation performance of in-house, on-cover staff for the purpose of their decennial performance reviews. To this end, we have created the sg-index: sg-index(x) = ... [ more ]


11. On the Proto-Indo-European Origin of ‘Twerk’—Mark Butcher & Mark Candlestick-Maker (4 visits)

On the Proto-Indo-European Origin of ‘Twerk’. Mark Butcher & Mark Candlestick-Maker, Department of PIE Studies, Pecan University. A common question asked of linguists these days, to our collective dismay, is “What is the etymology of ‘twerk’?”1 Twerking is a dance craze with respectable origins in the New Orleans bounce music scene,2 but it has enraged millions in recent years for reasons we would rather avoid writing about. Several authors have speculated that the term is a clipping of ‘footwork’ or a portmanteau of ‘twist’ and ‘jerk’3 (foolish speculation, we know). We will make the case that the word is of ... [ more ]


12. Linguistic Insults for Every Occasion—Snidely von Särcäästïcüt and Yo Ma-Ma (3 visits)

Linguistic Insults for Every Occasion. Snidely von Särcäästïcüt and Yo Ma-Ma, X. Quizzit Korps Center for Advanced Collaborative Studies. It is a generally accepted fact that the field of linguistics is known to suffer a bit of physics envy from time to time. However, linguistics should never come second to physics in matters of language. That is why we have taken it upon ourselves to provide our fellow linguists with the material they need to make sure such a fate never befalls them. In particular, we are referring to the sociologically important area of insults. Take, for example, this excellent physics one-liner: “You are like a proton: positively repulsive.” We can’t have ... [ more ]


13. Speech Disorders as Indicators of Potential for Lyrical Success—Ozzie Tchomzkij (3 visits)

Speech Disorders as Indicators of, Potential for Lyrical Success. by Ozzie Tchomzkij, Rock Glossologist to the Stars. In recent decades, there has been a subtle shift in popular music, as the idea that the human voice itself can be considered an instrument, rather than merely a delivery system for lyrics, has gained widespread acceptance among the general public. This has led to the recognition and thus to the success of such singers as Kate Bush, Cyndi Lauper, and Pat Benatar, whose ethereal voices have a purity of tone unmatched among mere mortals. Most singers looking to make a name for themselves, though, do not have the kind of staggering talent that, for example, the divine Kate Bush does. However, those who are ... [ more ] Podcast!


14. Ministry of Propaganda (3 visits)

The SpecGram Ministry of Propaganda. Welcome to the SpecGram Ministry of Propaganda. The SpecGram Archive Elves™ have undertaken a project to digitize and share a sheaf of early 20th century SpecGram propaganda posters, which were used during the Great Linguistic War and the Second Linguistic War to encourage linguists everywhere to keep a stiff upper lip and a sense of humor during those trying times. We provide the digitized posters here for you to enjoy, retrospect on, and share. Select a poster to see a higher quality image, and for links to share on social media, to email friends, and to view or download the highest quality version of the image. ... Read SpecGram Every Month! ... [ more ]


15. In the SG-Matrix, There Is No Chaff—Why Author-Level Metrics Are Inadequate—A Letter from the Editor-in-Chief (3 visits)

In the SG-Matrix, There Is No Chaff, Why Author-Level Metrics Are Inadequate. A Letter from the Editor-in-Chief. I must apologize for inadvertently airing a bit of SpecGram-internal dirty laundry in the last issue, specifically in the article, “The sg-index: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff” prepared by the (now former) SpecGram Data Science Interns. As it was time for decennial performance reviews, the HR department, in the personage of Herr Bestrafung, did in fact request a ranking of performance of various and sundry contributors over the last decade. And while it was a fine and dandy ranking algorithm, and its results were provided, the Data Science Interns made a ... [ more ]


16. Nominative Determinism—Lynne Guisticks & Yoko Ono-Maztique (3 visits)

Nominative Determinism. Lynne Guisticks & Yoko Ono-Maztique, X. Quizzit Korps Center for Advanced Collaborative Studies. Introduction. For many years sociolinguists have been investigating evidence that suggests that the name of a researcher may have a subtle but determinative effect on the field in which that researcher operates. Or, as Nicolette Koch-Ehrend, Professor of General Specialization at the Free University of Monnie-Cash explains: Two rather silly people named Sapir and Whorf had the idea that language determines thought in some way, rather like how the brand of tea determines the sort of afternoon cake one takes. This is all well and good for food, but their very names give lie to the ... [ more ]


17. Flush Times in Buffet City!—Artemus Zebulon Pratt (3 visits)

Flush Times in Buffet City!. by Artemus Zebulon Pratt, Speculative Grammarian Editor-on-the-Lam. Recently I had nearly finished editing an appalling piece of “quantitative” “linguistic” “analysis” submitted to this journal by a self-declared graduate student, my services being declared indispensable and remunerative by the superior editorship.1 After surveying 342 undergraduates, or, more precisely, surveying an undergraduate population for a response rate of 9.2%, on how much they liked each possible syllable-final cluster in English on a 5-point Likert scale, ranging from 1 = “No way, dude!” to 5 = “Totally way, dude!” ... [ more ]


18. “Interpretez seront les extipices”—On the Correct Interpretation of Nostradamus—Part the First—Roger Prentiss Claremont (3 visits)

“Interpretez seront les extipices”, On the Correct Interpretation of Nostradamus, Part the First. by Roger Prentiss Claremont, Independent Sovereign Scholar. Nostradamus, or Michel de Nostredame (1503-1566), often also called “Nostrum-Addled,” is world-famous as a prophet and soothsayer. His prophecies are cast in the form of 1200 poems (only 949 of which are extant), mostly quatrains, grouped in twelve “Centuries,” which have provided steady employment for any number of people in the years since their publication in 1555. However, even the most scholarly study of his works available, the article in Reader’s Digest’s Strange Stories, Amazing Facts ... [ more ]


19. Son of Lingua Pranca—Reconstructing the Proto-Indo-Europeans—Joseph Paul Stemberger (3 visits)

Reconstructing the Proto-Indo-Europeans. Joseph Paul Stemberger. In the recent years, much attention has been given to the vocabulary of Proto-Indo-European (PIE). What words the PIE-ans did and did not have can tell us much. Benveniste (1973) discusses PIE kinship systems, economy and ways of life. In these studies, however, there is one very important area of the lexicon that has been neglected. No one has yet analyzed the terms for body parts to determine what the PIE-ans actually looked like. Most have probably assumed that they looked much like their descendants do today, but there is no empirical evidence supporting this assumption, and we really must attempt to verify or discredit it. At first ... [ more ]


20. Thirteen Untranslatable Words—Michael Covarrubias (3 visits)

Thirteen Untranslatable Words. by Michael Covarrubias. I’m a language lover. I have been since I was a kid. Just about eleven months after being born, I started saying words and I’ve been using them ever since. I probably use words every day and I’ve gotten pretty good at it. After a while, we language lovers have a hard time learning more about our native language. That’s why we branch out to memorize other languages. It can be hard though, because a lot of foreign languages have words in them that we just can’t translate into English. Maybe it’s because we don’t have the concept in English, and that makes it impossible to make up a label for the concept. Or, more interestingly, ... [ more ]


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Last updated Mar. 7, 2026.