SpecGram—Most Popular Pages

SPECULATIVE GRAMMARIAN, Volume CXCV, Number 3; February 2026, C HIEF C AT H ERDER &, A RBITER OF THE L AST W ORD, Trey Jones, O RDER OF THE, S PECULATIVE P SAMMETICOI, Keith Slater, Mikael Thompson, Tim Pulju, Bill Spruiell, Speculative Grammarian, Vol CXCV, No 3, H EAD OF L EARNING, L INGUISTICS T HROUGH, S ATIRE AND P UNS, Jonathan Downie, S YNTACTICO- P OET &, U NDER- E DITOR OF, U NDER- E DITING, Deak Kirkham, S ENIOR P UZZLING, T EST P ILOT, Vincent Fish, K EEPER OF THE, E DITORIAL T EA C ADDY, Pete Bleackley, A SSOCIATE D EPUTY, A SSISTANT S UB- M ANAGER, OF S ATIRICAL S UCCESS, Luca Dinu, O RTHOGRAPHER- A T- L ARGE, Daniel Swanson, D ILETTANTE E MERITUS, Tel ... [ more ]

Dimensional Feature Analysis of English Prepositions. CJ Quines. The missing preposition. Consider the three English prepositions in, on, and at. When we use these as spatial prepositions, we use them for referring to being located in a three-dimensional container, on a two-dimensional surface, or at a zero-dimensional point, respectively: The horse sleeps in the stable. The apple is on the table. Brian stood at the origin of the Cartesian plane. Missing from this paradigm is a preposition corresponding to one-dimensional locations. At first glance, we might believe that this function is also served by the preposition on, as in ... [ more ]

Bilge Ise Köpeğinden Bahseder. by Artemus Zebulon Pratt, Speculative Grammarian Editor-on-the-Lam. “Your money or your life.” My wife said, “Can we go now? Us two?” He looked them up and down, “Yeah.” “Why the dog?” I asked her. “He has publications, dear.” I shouted, “Come now, you know that Everything’s Edible If You Chew Hard Enough: A Dalmatian’s Daily Affirmations is hardly tenure fodder!” “It’s a publish-or-perish world, dear.” As they strode off I looked at the guy’s gun and said, “That might not work.” He snarled, “Why ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian Merchandise. Introduction. In order to lend a hand to our good friends and steadfast supporters over at the Linguist List during their 2006 fund drive, we prepared a small selection of limited edition SpecGram merchandise, including T-shirts, stickers and magnets. Originally these items were only available as prizes awarded as part of the Linguist List fund drive. In 2012, several of the SpecGram editors suffered from a rare form of collective frontal lobe damage, which made it seem like a good idea to put together a SpecGram book. The result in 2013 was The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics. In 2014, Editor Mikael Thompson entered a deep fugue ... [ more ]

SpecGram Archives. A word from our Senior Archivist, Holger Delbrück: While bringing aging media to the web and hence the world is truly a labor of love, SpecGram tries the passion of even the most ardent admirer. Needless to say, we’ve fallen behind schedule. At every turn, the authors found in the pages of this hallowed journal stretch credibility with their gratuitous font mongering—first it was the IPA, then a few non-standard transcription systems, then Greek, and not just the alphabet, but the entire diacritical mess, and now I’ve got some god-forsaken Old Church Slavonic glyph sitting on my desk that no one can even name, and which would give the Unicode Consortium ... [ more ]

De La SpecGrammatologie . A Letter to Future Historians of Satirical Linguistics, from the Editor-in-Chief, Trey “Jacquey D” Jones. Future SpecGrammologists will debate whether this period in the history of SpecGram is “Early Modern” or “Late Moron” or even “Proto-Interplanetary”—and whether we were titans or pipsqueaks, our scribblings impactful or inconsequential. They will undoubtedly furrow their collective brow as they attempt to decipher the opaque and recalcitrant tea leaves of some future tattered remains of the SpecGram archive and hazard ill-formed guesses at our true meaning and significance. ... [ more ]

The SpecGram Ministry of Propaganda. Welcome to the SpecGram Ministry of Propaganda. The SpecGram Archive Elves™ have undertaken a project to digitize and share a sheaf of early 20th century SpecGram propaganda posters, which were used during the Great Linguistic War and the Second Linguistic War to encourage linguists everywhere to keep a stiff upper lip and a sense of humor during those trying times. We provide the digitized posters here for you to enjoy, retrospect on, and share. Select a poster to see a higher quality image, and for links to share on social media, to email friends, and to view or download the highest quality version of the image. ... Read SpecGram Every Month! ... [ more ]

Linguimericks & The Lingumerickocalypse, Book १०५. Though tempted I am to critique The French orthographic physique, When comparing with English I find naught to distinguish, So I’m saying they both have “mystique” —Roman C. S. Pelling, There truly is just a small touch Of irony, not very much, That the Teutonic sounds In Germany’s towns Aren’t called by the apt name of “Dutch” —Joost van Deutscher, Common Sense[i]s My Japanese Linguistics teacher told me, ‘Antonyms are pairs of lexemes with opposing senses; Lexeme A has sense A and lexeme B has sense not-A. Common sense, eh?’ As this definition opposed my senses, I asked, ‘Teacher, ... [ more ]

Previous Puzzle Solutions. The SpecGram Puzzle Elves™. The solution to last issue’s Rasmus Rask Parallel Puzzle XIX is given here. The following puzzlemeisters have achieved everlasting glory! Vincent Fish • Arcadia Arcadopouli • Susanne Løvstrøm — The solutions to last issue’s puzzle, Mix & Match ‖‖‖ are also provided here. The nine 9-letter words from the first puzzle are: shorthand, Orwellian, coiffeurs, inventory, operettas, linearity, onanistic, guncotton, yodelling; and the three additional words are: sociology, reference, narration. For the second puzzle, the nine words are: Provençal, runically, outbabble, ... [ more ]

Folk Linguistics. The SpecGram Folklore Elves™. You’ve got to remember that these are just simple linguaphiles. These are people of “little-𝓁” language. The common clay of the new Word. You know... morons. — Dʒim, Blazing Syllables Unravel the charm of language with this delightful collection of folk linguistic aphorisms. From idiomatic quirks to linguistic wonders, explore the charming wisdom (or lack thereof) of the common folk as they offer alleged insight into the colorful tapestry of human communication as they (attempt to?) navigate the intricate maze of words and meaning. The most effective way to learn a language is immersion because sound travels ... [ more ]

ADVERTISEMENT SpecGram Estates. A Retirement Community By Linguists, For Linguists¹. The second greatest day in the life of a linguist is when they become tenured—the status, the glory, the freedom! The greatest day in the life of a linguist is when they become emeritus—the status, the glory, the freedom! Come and spend your golden years with us at SpecGram Estates; we understand you like no one else does, and we have the accommodation, the community, and the amenities that are just right for you! We all know that different linguists have different expectations of the world. At SpecGram Estates we personalize your retirement experience, creating ... [ more ]

Speculative Grammarian and SpecGram.com. Our Story. The august journal Speculative Grammarian has a long, rich, and varied history, weaving an intricate and subtle tapestry from disparate strands of linguistics, philology, history, politics, science, technology, botany, pharmacokinetics, computer science, the mathematics of humor, basket weaving, archery, glass blowing, roller coaster design, and bowling, among numerous other, less obvious fields. SpecGram, as it is known to devotees and sworn enemies alike, has for centuries sought to bring together the greatest yet least understood minds of the time, embedding itself firmly in the cultural and psychological matrix of the global society while ... [ more ]

Metrical Dimorphism: An Onomastic Noun-Verb Hypothesis. by G.R.R. L’Power & Lexi Kahn, Ph.D. Candidates, Department of Onomastic Empowerment, Hervard University. There is a well-known pattern of disyllabic word pairs in English that differ primarily by stress. The table below presents a few examples:^* cóntest / contést, décrease / decréase, éxtract / extráct, ímport / impórt, ínsult / insúlt, óbject / objéct, pérmit / permít, présent / presént, récord / recórd, súspect / suspéct, In this paradigm, nouns carry initial stress, while verbs shift stress to ... [ more ]

Letters to the Editor. Dear Editors, I was very disappointed to see your article, “The Solution to Poor Pedantry is... More, Better Pedantry” from the Meta-Pedantry Association. Are you not aware that they are a radical nihilistic splinter group of the Γραμματο-Χαοτικον? Their generally unpublicized goal is to increase the density of meta-pedantry and other forms of so-called “self-folding pedantry” in order to create a pedantic singularity and potentially cause the collapse of the academic-pedantic continuum. I personally do not believe in the academic-pedantic continuum, nor that a singularity ... [ more ]

SpecGammon, An Historical Appreciation. by Tab L. Gaîmes, Ph.D. Department of Ludic Studies, Tshessen Tshekirz University, Tshicago. For younger readers who missed out on the heyday of SpecGammon—before video games and consoles and the internet, when real people had to sit down together and play real games at a real table—this was once one of the most popular games in the world. I won’t go over all of the rules—which will be close to the hearts of readers of a certain age, and lost on the youth—but I will give you a taste of the flavor of the game. The playing pieces are known by many names in different regions, including drawls, tones, puns, ... [ more ]

Change A Little, Change A Lot Challenge. An Orthographophonetical Puzzle. Ulfheðnar ber Sarkur &, The SpecGram Überlinguistaffen. The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. They cannot spell it because they have nothing to spell it with but an old foreign alphabet of which only the consonants—and not all of them—have any agreed speech value. —George Bernard Shaw, Pygmalion As Shaw so eloquently states, the English alphabet is hardly fit for purpose. Its alleged rules are, at best, suggestions. This unholy mess we find ourselves in the middle of has a few redeeming qualities. It’s given us ... [ more ]

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The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective. Are you in a world of linguistic hurt? The SpecGram Linguistic Advice Collective (SLAC) will offer you empirical, empathic, emphatic advice you can use!^* Remember, if you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, then you don’t need advice! So, if you need advice, trust us—and cut yourself some SLAC! ... Dear SLAC, My favourite satirical linguistics journal is closing down. What can I do? Yours disconsolately —B. Reft ... My dear secondary flotation device, The answer is obvious: You must join their editorial board and take over. Seize the means of joke production, the joke means of production, and the mean jokes ... [ more ]

Falsehoods About Linguistics. Compiled by N. Correct, N. Accurate, and Aaron Nius. Inspired by Patrick McKenzie’s “Falsehoods Programmers Believe About Names” here is a list of ideas, thoughts, and assumptions about linguists and linguistics that come up from time to time, but none of which are necessarily true. Linguists know what a language is. Linguists know what a word is. Linguists know what linguistics is. Linguists can tell you the correct way of doing linguistics. Linguists can tell you the correct way of speaking a language. All linguists know multiple, if not many, languages. All linguists love languages. All linguists enjoy learning, and learning about, different languages. Knowing how to ... [ more ]

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